I hate my anxiety. I had almost forgotten how much I hated it because it disappeared for a while because it was medicated and forced to lie dormant.

When I started Methadone, I was told I would have to stop taking my Klonopin. Since getting into the methadone program was something that I believed (and still do believe) would be beneficial to my quitting Heroin, I didnt think twice about stopping it.
I guess I didnt realize how much I relied on that medication. Its NOT a good thing that I relied so heavily on it and its probably a positive thing that I have to stop taking it because I am going to have to force myself to get out and do things without being so heavily medicated.

Today I was supposed to go to the mall with mom and Kelley and I was super excited about going…but about 5 minutes from the mall…my anxiety kicks in and feel like I HAD to be back close to home, all of the sudden I was too far from home, my heart was pounding, sweat was gathering on my forehead and it was starting to bead up and drip down my face and I started to get scared. A kind of fear I have not felt in a very, very long time…and a fear I thought I would not ever feel again. All I wanted to do was come home and curl up under my night sky blanket and hold onto my feather pillow and my baby blankie and stay there and not speak, or move until this subsided and try as hard as I could not to call the ambulance, because I knew it would not be good idea to take my Klonopin. I hated it and it scared me so much I started to feel very sick to my stomach. So, I just sat with my face right in front of the air conditioner, with the air conditioner on full blast while mom drove home because I told her I couldnt go inside the mall. We drove through the parking lot and it was ABSOLUTELY packed and I knew once I got inside that place, I would lose it in a fit of panic and I just could not deal at that time. So mom called Kelley and luckily she had not left her house yet and told her we werent going because when I feel panicky I get this weird symptom where I cant really talk or swallow or anything because it feels like I will throw up and I get super out of breath..I dont know why but it makes me afraid to talk for fear of vomiting or choking.

So, it dawned on me that I am probably going to have to get used to going out, and away from home…without my anxiety medication. See, my methadone does not “get me high” anymore. It did at the beginning, and thats normal for the beginning, but once youre at your stable dose…it should not make you high…you should just feel normal and then when you get tired..you will be REALLY, REALLY tired. So, I dont feel high or fucked up…at all. This is the first time I have felt “sober” headed, and clear headed…in…hmm…lets see…a long fucking time. Im just not used to it and I am going to have to teach myself to get used to it.

Me and mom came back to her apartment, and I remembered that we had to go pick Claude up a flea collar, some flea powder, food and I had to get a little date book/planner thing (which is SO FREAKING CUTE!!!!!!!! check my flickr for a picture…). Mom asked if I wanted to go to Wal-Mart, but there was NO WAY was making it in Wal-Mart. I mean, its close to home, but with all of the people…ugh. I can barely even think about it without getting restless. So, we ended up going to a Target that hardly anyone goes to. We picked up all the stuff Claude needed, plus my cute planner, and some bread for me to eat (since I didnt eat any lunch because I wasnt feeling good). Mom asked if I wanted to go to the bookstore but in all honesty I did not want to, so she brought me home and I decided to lay down.

Oh well. Maybe this was just a one time thing and I will be able to do whatever I want..I dont know. I hate it though…and I hate that I am afflicted with this disorder that handicaps my life. However, we all have to work the hand we are dealt and it is up to me to make the best out of my situations in life and lately I have made a lot of positive changes and I am going to continue on that road and continue to try and do things that will slowly get me back into the groove of living a somewhat normal life, without an illegal drug addiction and with as little anxiety as possible.

::Sigh::
I am going to munch on some bread now…my eyes are getting incredibly heavy so I am also gonna lay down and rest for a while.

Y’all Be Good!!!

I swore I was going to write more here. But, I still find myself blocked and not knowing what to write about. See, I feel like every time I write, I have to write about something profound and deep. I forget that I dont have to write anything profound, or deep. That this is my journal. Just a place for me to shoot the shit and talk about whatever I want.

I checked my comments and I had one from someone ive never seen here before. They called themselves “J” and obviously did not want to be identified. They talked a bit about my Methadone treatment and offered some friendly advice. Id like to take a minute to respond to their comment.

J,
Thank you for the well wishes. I need them, and I appreciate them.

I learned quickly not to find friends in my fellow Methadone patients. I didnt learn from anyone teaching me, I learned because I have half of a brain and once I listened to what a lot of these people were talking about, I completely realized there were no friends to be found there. It does sound a bit ruthless, but sometimes the truth hurts and it does not take a genius to figure out where these people are. Dont get me wrong, I am certainly not saying I am any better than any of them…because I am NO better than any of them. I just know me and I have to focus on MY goals and MY treatment and MY recovery. Call me selfish, but I have to be.

I do a lot of things now, that I didnt do before when I was on dope. Most of it having everything to do with getting and doing things for myself with money that I just couldnt get and do when I was using Heroin on a daily basis. I have always loved to read and I am finding myself spending an amazing amount of money on books at the used book store. I love it.

There are a lot of people who do not get off of Methadone for a very very long time. I dont know what their goals were when starting Methadone, but I cannot judge them…I dont know their stories. Like I said up there, I cannot focus on anyone but me.

Im already higher than 40mg. 40mg did not even get rid of withdrawal symptoms for me. I have a dose that I refuse to go higher than, and I have an estimated time I would prefer to stay on the program and an estimated time for when I would prefer to start tapering down and eventually get off.

Once I am off, I have no interest in getting a Bupe prescription. Once I am finished, I would prefer to be finished for good. If I find that its too hard, well, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now I am living moment to moment, and for the first time in a very very long time, I can genuinely say that I am happy.

Thank you again, J! Send positive vibes my way. All these positive vibes people are sending really are working for me.

Anyhow….
I figured I would write a quick treatment update too…but I think my words to J may have covered it. Every thing is going really, really well. Im still experiencing some symptoms with the Methadone and I am not up to my stable dose yet, but will be by the end of this week and from there I will ride it out until I feel im ready to stop.

I have to talk about this for a minute.
There has been a REAL problem in my household for the past 4 or 5 days or so. Soda, apparently, is not flushing the toilet correctly. I noticed this problem about 4 days ago I guess because at least once a day when I would go take a piss, the toilet would not flush and it would almost back up. So, I get out the plunger and I start plunging my happy ass off with my panties around my ankles and what happens?

**WARNING**
Before I continue, I felt the need to post a disclaimer. If you think that normal bodily functions and normal human behaviors are sick and should be kept private, then do not continue reading. Ok, ok, if SHIT, POOP, HUMAN FECES offends you..then DO NOT READ THIS SHIT…uh..no pun intended.

….So, have you guessed what happens yet? Well, ill tell you. Shit and tons, and tons of toilet paper comes up. Not my shit. Not my toilet paper. No. Not mine. Sodas.
This confused me at first for one main reason…
I thought that Soda didnt use enough toilet paper to wipe his ass. In fact, this was something I always bitched about…but he always vehemently denied. I guess he was right. He most certainly DOES wipe his ass thoroughly, so thoroughly that every time he shits, he stops up the toilet and doesnt say a damn thing to me about it so that when I go in there to piss…the toilet will damn near overflow and ill my ankle deep in shit stew.

I dont know WHY all of the sudden hes stopping the toilet up. I know he is not doing it on purpose. But, I also know that once hes figured out hes stopped the toilet up, he is just not saying anything about it to me so that when I go in there to piss, I wont be able to flush and I will think that I AM THE ONE who stopped it up. Thus relieving him of all the pressure. This dont fool me, though. This has happened at least once everyday this week. When I caught on to what was happening, that Soda obviously was not courtesy flushing, I confronted him about it and told him he needs to start courtesy flushing because every time I go piss I end up having to plunge his turds and massive amounts of toilet paper out of the toilet so that the toilet will flush the next time one of us uses it.
He had never even HEARD of courtesy flushing. I told him to flush during the turd coming out, then once after its come out, then after he wipes. So thats three flushes. I told him to flush three times when he shits.

So, when I went to the bathroom around mid-day today I was fully expecting to be able to sit and enjoy my tinkle, flush, wash my hands, and walk out of the bathroom feeling like a new woman. So much for wishful thinking. When I flushed and I saw those turd remnants and pieces of toilet paper floating around in my urine…I tried to convince myself that maybe I had pooped without knowing it because if I faced the fact that Soda had ONCE AGAIN stopped the fucking toilet up…I was going to punch a hole in the wall.

I know most of you are thinking “why didnt you just get him to plunge it?” Well, I will answer that.
He makes a huge fucking mess when he plunges because he doesnt do it properly. He basically just stirs his shit stew. He doesnt plunge, he makes dinner (yuck!). So I do it.

So, anyway, I went storming, stomping into the living room screaming “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR SHIT???? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR SHIT???” And he looks at me puzzled and I say: “I know you fully realize you are stopping up the toilet, how is this happening? Are you not flushing like I told you to?” He tells me that hes scared to flush now because hes scared its going to overflow.
I said: “Listen, next time you shit, you get in there and you flush while youre shitting like flushings going out of style. You flush before you shit, you flush while youre shitting, you flush when that first turd hits the water, and you flush before every other turd hits the water and after. I dont care if you drop 18 turds you flush during and after each one, and you flush after each wipe. FLUSH, FLUSH, FLUSH. I am SICK of going to take a piss only to find out youve SHIT in the toilet and stopped it up again!!!!” Then I ran to the bathroom and grabbed the wet plunger (it was wet from me washing it off…not from the icky stew hahaahah but he didnt know that) and started to wave it around him, he screamed like a little girl and hid himself under the covers.

Thats what I thought. Next time, it will REALLY be turd water. I think its time he got acquainted with some turd water. Hell, I know I have over the last week. If he stops that damn toilet up one more time its HIS TURN.

If I notice him in the bathroom shitting, im going to start banging on the door screaming “FLUSH! FLUSH! FLUSH!” when he least expects it lmao. Just thinking about scaring him by doing that cracks me up. Im serious though. I would record it too if I didnt think that was a serious invasion of privacy.

Ill keep you guys updated on this shitty situation xD.

Theres a new Dear Abbie.

Dear Abbie,
My boyfriend stops up the toilet every time he has a bowel movement and doesnt tell me about it in hopes that I will think I did it when I go to tinkle and the toilet doesnt flush. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Leslie.

Over the course of my use and subsequent addiction to opiates, I thought that I had learned everything about them and how they work in users brains, what causes addiction, what the addiction is, etc. I was wrong. I definitely had not learned everything, there were some very, extremely important things that I had not learned about opiate addiction and how it effects users and then, what Methadone does to counteract and heal the wounds previous opiate use has caused.

Firstly, opiate addiction, unlike any other addiction, is a disease in every sense of the word. It is both a physical disease in which the user shows symptoms and illness, but a psychological one and most importantly..opiate addiction is a BRAIN DISEASE. Most other drugs we know of are only “psychologically” addictive and do not cause the brain disease that opiate addiction does. It is well known that opiate withdrawal causes intense discomfort, pain, diarrhea, muscle and stomach aches, restless leg syndrome and vomiting but it also causes a disease of the brain.

There are a lot of ways someone can BECOME addicted to opiates and then there is also predisposition to opiate addiction. Saying that one is predisposed to become an addict is in no way blaming the problem on someone other than the addict, its just a genetic, hereditary truth. First, let me explain the brain disease a little bit more and I will go into more detail about hereditary addiction.

Like most all other drugs, opiates have a direct effect on the dopamine produced in your brain, or..lets say…the lack of dopamine being produced in your brain. The opiate, like most all other drugs, causes a huge release of dopamine. Dopamine controls appetites for food and sex and after about 4 months of opiate use…without the opiates..your brain just doesnt produce dopamine anymore. PET scans conducted on the brains of heroin and other opiate addicts showed this. The addiction also has a direct effect on our Norepinephrin which controls the part of our nervous system that we do NOT have control over. When a questionable situation happens, its the release of Norepinephrin that causes the fight or flight mechanism to kick in. Opiate use suppresses this when one is under the influence of the drug so the user feels safe…literally like NOTHING can harm them. So when you dont have the opiates in your system..it triggers this re uptake of this “fight or flight” and causes intense, insane panic and anxiety.

Now, there are actual opioid receptors in our body that deal with feelings of safety and happiness. These receptors are in our spinal columns I think. There are 4 receptors that are directly involved in the effects of opioids. They are: Mu, Kappa, Delta and Sigma. Like a fucking fraternity, lol. Seriously though….the delta receptor deals with euphoria (the onset of euphoria when under the influence and the extreme taking away of euphoria when not under the influence), the sigma deals with depression (the taking away of depression when under the influence and the onset of depression when there are no opioids to attach to the sigma receptors). The Mu and Kappa deal with pain relief.

The last part of the disease is the effect that opiate addiction has on our endorphines. Our bodies have opioid receptors in them because our bodies produce chemicals naturally that can latch onto these receptors and cause similar effects to opiates and opioids. Those chemicals are called Endorphines. They are super similar to Morphine and they moderate our moods, promote pleasure and manage our reactions to stress. So when someone is high on opiates, it makes sense that they are very laid back, easy going, etc..and when they are not, they are anxious, and very defensive (which would explain why Soda would run from the police even without having drugs on him). The cessation of opiate use explains the often erratic and illogical actions of the addict. Someone who has never used opiates gets a normal amount of endorphines into these receptors, whereas addicts are constantly overloading the socket, so to speak. Four months of continuous opiate use causes the body to stop making endorphines on its own. So when you quit and have made it past the gut wrenching physical withdrawals…you have no dopamine or endorphines. And it takes a VERY VERY long time for the body to begin to make these on their own again with no help from an opiate. Thats why its so easy to go use again. Its not just a matter of “quitting.” If you think it is, then you obviously have never been in this situation and you need to shut the fuck up because you arent qualified to even form an opinion on this subject

So now, back to the hereditary nature of the disease. Research has now shown that children with one opiate dependent parent have a chance of inheriting a depression which, a lot of the time, leads to addiction when they are anywhere between 18-21 years of age because around this age, their dopamine will automatically begin to decrease and their body will stop making endorphines. This causes the person to be depressed and they will seek out ways to become happy. For some this means countless trial and error sessions with SSRI’s or anti psychotics or other pharmaceuticals that often times do nothing so the person goes on to experiment with self medication- illegal drugs…and when they experiment with that opiate..BAM. Theyve hit the mark. Now, a lot of these people dont have the money or the mens or the hook up to continue use..but for many…they do. And this is the start of an evil cycle.

Methadone helps this by speeding up the process in which your brain creates dopamine and endorphines again. Not only does it have a profound chemical effect in that it allows the brain to begin the process of building up natural dopamine and endorphines, but it takes the user off of the streets. Science and medicine are finally beginning to realize the huge effect opiates take on the human brain and the disease they cause, and our government is reacting accordingly by legalizing methadone. Methadone clinics take addicts off of the streets and into medical facilities where they are properly taken care of and supervised by trained medical professionals. Addicts no longer have to go out and commit a crime in order to just feel “normal.” Methadone is not just “replacement therapy,” it is also medical supervision, doctors visits, therapist visits, support systems…everything an addict needs to recover properly in an environment where opiate addiction is understood and treated for what it is and the user is not frowned upon and looked down upon as scum. The addict now has responsibilities he or she must take care of at the clinic, whether it is keeping up with their receipts and take home dose bottles in their lock boxes, to maintaining their appointments with their doctor, counselor and support groups.

There are a lot of high strung home makers who get bent out of shape when a methadone clinic is going to be built nearby. Let me inform you…

These people have no right to even have a sayso in the decision simply because they are judging based on the term “Methadone Clinic” and giving into preconceived notions, stereotypes and stigmas about clinics when in fact they know nothing because methadone treatment is 100 percent confidential and unless someone tells you they are on methadone..YOU DO NOT KNOW. If you sat outside a clinic and watched the people who came in and out of the facility…you would not be able to tell if it were just a normal doctors office, or lawyers office, or any other normal public facility.
Addiction does not discriminate, anyone and everyone can become addicted. Ive only listed like..two ways here. There are corporate addicts who maintain a 6 figure income who became addicted when their doctor over prescribed them, there are mothers who were given narcotic pain killers after the birth of their children, there are grandparents, parents, children, businessmen….people from all walks of life and these people are making positive change in their lives.

I am one of those people. No one would know unless I told them. Now I have.

I changed themes to something very simple that I got over at scribblescratch. I like it. I decided to change my theme to something simple and elegant because I wanted it to reflect the lifestyle I am trying to live right now. Minus the elegant part. Lets face it, you guys, I will NEVER be elegant, lol.

It is 3:32AM and I am not asleep. I have to go to the clinic around..oh..I dunno…6:30AM or so. They close at 11AM today so its best I get there as early as possible because im sure there are going to be tons of people there. Now, when I say tons..I mean tons. In one and a half hours that methadone clinic doses 500 people and sends them on their way home.

So, I guess I am due to write a little more detailed update. I dont mind. I am really going to start using my blog as a journal, a mechanism for self therapy. You may laugh at that, but you also havent been through what I have recently.

Like I said, on Tuesday, June the 10th my boyfriend and I were on our way to pay off some traffic tickets he had and, well, its no secret now that we both have a heroin problem. On Monday, June 9th we made a pact with each other…that was our last day. We were going to buy one gram, thats all..and split it, and that would be it. We would be sick and sweat it out together. That day we didnt have enough money to buy a whole gram…so we got a half of one fronted to us. That means we owed our “dealers” the money for a half a gram of heroin.
On Tuesday morning, June 10th, on our way to pay off some of his traffic tickets…we decided to meet up with them to pay them back to get it all over with. We met in the usual fashion. Soda hopped back in my car and it was somber moment. We started to leave the grocery store parking lot that we met up in…and a car almost hit us. I am a mouthy bitch so I was yelling the typical road rage rhetoric when the male in the car starts to get out. At this point..im thinking..”Ok, We are about to get beat up by a big ol black dude.” Now that I look back on it, I sooo wish we would have gotten beaten up by big ol black dude. Big ol black dude turned out to be Big Ol Vice Squad. He choked me back into my passenger seat so that he could reach all the way through the window and grab Soda by his neck. Soda split. Im not sure why he split…but…as humans our fight or flight mechanism kicks in during this situation and he flew. I tried to fly, but I couldnt get the car to move. I tried for what seemed like hours to get the fucking car to drive because I was going to get the fuck out of there. I realize now that it was only about two seconds and the car wouldnt drive because it had been turned off by force, when it was not in park. So, when I was trying to turn it on..it wouldnt because it wasnt in park. By this time I looked out the window to see Soda on the ground getting beaten by about three cops. I just remember his face smashed against the pavement and three cops piling on top of him. About that time the same black guy grabs me by one arm out of the car. I was not resisting at all. At this point, my senses had kicked in, I wasnt thinking irrationally..and there was no reason for me not to comply with everything that was going on around me. He pushed me, and shoved me, and did everything he could short of pushing and knocking me down. I verbally protested “Sir, There is no reason for you to push me like this, I am not resisting.” His reply was “Im just making sure you dont fall.” At that point, if he wasnt a police officer…I would have turned around and smacked the fuck out of him. Did he think that because he was bigger than me he could push me around and treat me like I was below him? Was it because I was female? White? Because he had a better job? Or because…wed been caught in what they assumed was a drug deal and he was looking at me like I was junkie scum and junkie scum isnt worth respect? It doesnt matter. What does matter is that he was treating me as if I was somehow unequal to him, under him, less than him. I dont know if any of you here reading this have been truly treated as if you are LESS THAN equal to someone, but it is the most dehumanizing, humiliating feeling in the world. I am not saying I did not deserve to get caught. Im not bitching about getting caught. Up until that point I had been committing crimes everyday, multiple times a day. Buying illegal drugs. That is criminal activity and I was a criminal, taking part in criminal activity…not at that moment, on that particular day, but I had been for days before that…so, yes, I deserved arrest. I did not deserve dehumanization.

Anyhow, I soon learned that I had been caught in the middle of a sting. The news media (you can see a video about the bust and even see our mugshots here). Basically they caught 15 addicts and the 4 dealers. Because Soda and I were not buying drugs, and had no drugs on us at the time of the bust, we were treated with the utmost disrespect by the police..ironic, eh? I think its because they just didnt get what they wanted so they slapped us with the most bullshit, trumped up charges EVER. Ok. Soda got evading and resisting…which he deserved because thats what he did. BUT, they charged BOTH of us with paraphernalia….the exact charge I believe was “unlawful use of drug paraphernalia.” Heres the fucking kicker..the paraphernalia they are talking about is as follows: ROLLING PAPERS, DIGITAL SCALES, and A CIGARETTE ROLLER!!! Ok, I can understand the digital scales..but the fuckin rolling papers and cigarette roller… WHEN THERE WAS CIGARETTE TOBACCO IN THE CAR!! Oh my God. Anyway..we ended up sitting at the secret sting location (a mall parking lot) from like 9AM to 6PM in the scorching heat, then we were loaded into literal cages on wheels and hauled to jail where we stayed until 2AM. Soda made pretrial. I didnt, I dont know why I didnt and he did..but he did. His bail was more than mine, his bail was 6k. Mine was 2k. Anyway…I had to make bond but I got out. Our court date is on July 1st. I am getting a public defender. I think I will be ok.

Like I said, I am in the Methadone program which is treatment for opiate addicts. Not a lot of people understand opiate addiction. The brain of an opiate addict is very very different from that of a normal person..and not just because of the drugs. There have been amazing medical and scientific advances in the area of study that involves opiate addicts and how our brains work…the information is amazing. I am learning so much at the clinic and I will write about the emotional mind and physical brain of an opiate addict in my next entry…as well as why I support methadone clinics and why suburban moms need to stop fucking bitching when one is built in their neighborhood.

Until next time….
Send me positive vibes.

To most people, nintey one dollars is nothing…but today..I have NINETY ONE DOLLARS!! Im thinking about buying a used Sega Dreamcast..I just dont know….ohhhhh the decisions!!!!

Today I entered myself into treatment. Replacement therapy treatment, which means Methadone. I am not in the least bit ashamed of this…shit, I wasnt ashamed of being a Heroin addict. Im doing it, so why be ashamed?

Anyhow. Today was the best day ive had in a very very long time. It was the first day in what seems like forever that I have not worried about where im gonna get the money to get my dope. It was the first day I rode my bike down to my moms pool, went swimming for two hours, got out, went to the store, bought two new bathing suites, some new jellies (remember those shoes??? I got some!! ahaha old school fresh stylee!!!), then I went to the bookstore and bought a trillion books on tarot. I am starting to study tarot again.

I used to read tarot when I was really too young to comprehend the meaning and potency behind symbolism, but now, I do. I do because of my own life experiences. I want a hobby that interests me so I decided to take up tarot reading again because not only will it allow me to gain insight into my own life, but others too/

For those of you who dont know…
I was busted in perhaps “the biggest heroin sting in Nashville history” on Tuesday. Yeah, you cant even begin to fathom how much that fuckin sucks. Anyway..im not SUPERBLY worried about it because there were no drugs of any kind found on our persons, in our belongings, or in our car. However, they did find Marijuana Paraphanalia. Marijuana. I could go on some long fucking rant about how much the cops suck…but I think even non criminals know how much police suck. Now, with that said….

Dont tell me you told me so because I didnt get caught with SHIT. No drugs on me, my person, in my belongings or my car..nada, zip, zero, nothing. Leslie..gone be…aight. Check my FLICKR for my mugshot yall.

Im having an insanely hard time waking up this morning.
Here is a piece of chipper convo between Kelley and I.

Me:did you ever feel your poots?
Kelley:lmao feel my poots?
Me: yeah
Me: like…
Me: feel that they were war
Me: m
Kelley: oh yes lmao
Kelley: lmfao
Kelley :i was going to be real confused if that m didn’t show up
Kelley: feel they were war?! WAR POOTS?!
Kelley :lmao
Me: HAHAHAHAH
Me: ive got some war poots this morning
Me: lmfaooo
Me: if yo dont believe such a thing existswell
Me: you should have heard it
Me: sounded like fallujah in here
Kelley: lmfaoooo

If GOD assembled a rock band…who would be in it? Who would sing, who would play guitar, bass, and drums? Think about it..this is GOD creating a rock band…now..

Ok..here we go…

Jeff Buckley on Vocals
Either, Jimi Hendrix or John Frusciante on guitar..Jimi leading..definately..
John Bonham on Drums
And….Pnut on Bass.

Bitch, if I could PHYSICALLY spit in your face, I would. But…ill have to settle for this..

HAHAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH.