I had a horrible night. Ill update this post with the details later..but right now..I dont feel like saying too much about it.

Well, Saturday night something weird happend to me. I waas going about my normal business, actually..I was about to take a youtube video. Then, all the sudden…my heart started to pound into my throat. I felt like I had to shit so I ran to the bathroom and I had a huge ass blast I mean it was insane and by heart kept beating harder and harder so I freaked about my heart..I ran into the living room..got on the couch and laid here for a minute. The feelings of fear were so intense. I was so scared I didnt know what was happening to me or why my body was doing this to me. Soda was at his friends..I didnt wanna call him because hed be upset and in turn make me more upset..so I called my mom.
“Mom…Its me. I dont feel good.”
“What? Whats wrong honey?”
“I dont know. Panicky, my hearts pounding, cant breathe. Barely talk”
“Just relax Leslie put a cold washrag on your neck”
“No, no I think you need to come over here. I may need to go to the hospital.”
“Oh Gosh..ok baby im on my way. Want me to stay on the phone?”
“yes”
“Ok ill be quiet though…im on my way…”

When my mom got here I was curled up on the couch still feeling….very scared and upset and my heart was still pounding. She rubbed my arm and tried to calm me down for a while and then I had to go the bathroom again …and once again..it was bad.
“Mom…I think you better call an ambulance.”

My heart was racing out of my chest and beating so hard against my interior chest wall that it hurt. I sat down on the couch and I told my mom to grab a bucket that was sitting behind a chair and I then proceeded to vomit three times.

The Ambulance came and they were very nice to me. They checked my pulse rate and it was about 130 beats per minute which is a bit over averate (60-100 is average) and they asked if I wanted to go to the hospital or not. I said yes.
At the hospital I had a long talk with the doctor about my anxiety problems. He told me that panic attacks are a direct result of generalized anxiety disorder. Now,  I know I have generalized anxiety disorder..but panic attack? I never thought I would get those. I laughed at people who got those because I thought they were bullshit….but theyre not bullshit. I had a serious panic attack and it was the scariest fucking thing I have ever gone through in my LIFE.

I didnt know what was happening to me or why my heart wouldnt stop pounding.
I couldnt stop shitting and puking
I felt weak and I couldnt even move enough to drink some water.
I was so beyond scared it was insane. The fear was infuckingsane.
I kept crying “what is happening to me, momma? why is my body doing this to me?”

The people at the hospital were great. They were really nice..(we didnt go to Baptist) and seemed like they cared a lot about my wellbeing. I do not have depression or anything like that, just anxiety and panic disorder. So, now, theyve prescribed me to Paxil and Ativan. Paxil to take everyday and Ativan to take when I start to panic. I like the Ativan. I had it when I was locked up and it helped me a lot. It takes the edge off but isnt quite as heavy as Xanax or Clonopin.

Welp. We made it. Today is me and Sodas three year anniversary, and like all of our other anniversary’s we are celebrating by doing nothing. =^_^=. He actually, really surprisingly got me something. That was nice of him.

Im not real big on holidays like Valentines Day and Anniversaries and im really not even big on Birthdays and stuff but I do try to buy Christmas presents.

Weve just been laying around the house all day. We went to the mall and had some shaved ice..came home….and we are about to nap.

Heres to three years!

Today kicked ass pretty much. My moms dinner was great and Kelley got me a badass new digital camera for my brithday..ill post some pics from it later.

I am writing this entry about another Intervention episode I just saw. It was great. By far my favourite episode this far. My own father is a junkie. It sounds…bad to say but im so far beyond caring about that stigma. Todays episode was about a man named Coley who was a Methamphetamine addict. He was a husband and a father. I can usually deal with the episodes of Intervention pretty decently..but this one, for some reason, really got to me. Even though my father is addicted to a substance that is on the opposite side of the spectrum..I just have this sensitive spot in my heart for fathers who are substance abusers and especially their children because I was one of those kids. Fuck, I still am one of those kids. Even though I havent spoken to my father in two years I still deal with the hurt and the pain that addiction causes a family, a father, and a child.

I was rooting so hard for Coley and his wife and his kids…and I think all that emotion came from the same place inside of m me that roots for my dad all the time, everyday. I was just thinking about it a couple days ago and I came to the conclusion that I think about my dad everyday. Every single day. I probably mention him every day too..to different people.

There was a part of me that was hoping my dad would somehow contact me on my Birthday. Around 9PM last night I started thinking about it…so I checked my e-mail at the only address he ever knew of mine. The only thing there from him was an e-mail id saved from forever ago asking me “where r u” after all that stuff in Arkansas happened. One word, two letters.  I replied and said “Im home, where are you?” I never got a reply.
I told Soda that I bet my dad sent me a card to my moms house because he knows her address.  I havent checked that mail yet..
My mom never checks the mail so she wouldnt know either.
I probably wont check it because I know when I look through the mail…theres not gonna be a card from him.

Well..my birthday was VERY decent.
Soda and I went over to moms and had some dinner with my mom and her boyfriend, Scott. This was the first time Soda and Scott met..but, to my pleasant surprise..they got along REALLY well. Soda even said he liked Scott a lot and thought he was cool.

Well..the bad news is..
This morning my last surviving Black Moor passed away. I wasnt as upset as I thought because hed been sick for the last few days. I took him out of the tank and put him in his little separate tank, gave him some epsom salt to take pressure off of his organs and a little bit of antibiotic and he died about 20 minutes later. He acted A LOT better in the little tank than he did in the main one and I almost thought he would get better but he didnt..5 minutes before he died he just started to gasp and yawn and float upside down. He lived a good life. About a week before he got sick I noticed hed lost his other eye so he was completely blind and I knew he would pass soon after probably from malnutrition.

My surviving fish are Butler the Chinese Corydora and Oyster the Albino Corydora (check out this pic of an Albino Corydora). The Chinese Corydora…I cant find any pictures of them..but he is orange and black striped. They are not the cutest fish, but they are very very tough, hardwater, freshwater fish. And, my tank is a traditional freshwater tank..right down to the decorations. Ill have to take some pics some time tomorrow when I get a new tank bulb. But, I dont have any weird cute decorations…I used to and I loved them, but now, my tank looks like what id imagine the underwater of a river to look like. I love it.

So..anyhow..
Today me and Soda went to Wal-Mart  to get some new fish. I know..Wal-Mart..to get fish? But, seriously, the fish ive gotten from Wally World have been great. I try to take great care of my fish and theyve all done fine and lived nice lives.
I ended up buying the two CUTEST spotted puffer fish. They are so FUCKING CUTE, seriously. Look at this picture..look at that little smile, is that not sweet? I named them Mr. and Mrs. Puff. They were the only two puffers and you can tell they are friends, theyre always together…playing with one another, etc. I also got two Gouramis (picture). The one thing that I paid a lot of attention to is the compatibility. My Black Moors were not compatible with the other fish and got beat up on..so the MAIN reason I chose the fish I chose was because they were compatible with the Corydoras. The Gouramis are laid back, dont swim much, peace loving fish. I named them Mario and Luigi.

Anyway..
Tomorrow night me and Kelley are going over to my moms house for my official birthday dinner and ill be getting my gift from Kelley which im super excited about =^_^=

Today is my birthday. Kathryn called me and told me happy bday, my cousin Kelley already told me and of course my mom and aunt..

I have a bad feeling about today. Like its not going to be a good day.

Im so frustrated right now. I am really fed up with hearing about this bullshit so im going to take a tip from Tori Spellings mom and write a FUCKING OPEN LETTER.

Dan,
Regarding this god damned amp. Listen and listen fucking close.
Damn near three years ago when Soda and I got together WE helped Ryan move out of Knollwood. I was there. Yup. I was there. So was that amp. You were gone long before that and my main question is..if that amp was so fucking important..why the hell didnt you come back and get it? It was sitting in that apartment without you long enough for the lease to run out with just Ryan there. It doesnt matter if you paid the rent every month, that is a moot, sad, pathetic fucking point. When we helped him move out of Knollwood WE (read, SODA AND I) helped him move into Rock Harbor. That amp was also at Rock Harbor for a good MONTH before Ryan handed it over to Soda. So, one again, my question is…why the FUCK didnt you contact Ryan about this stupid amp? You had weeks, months to do this and yet you didnt. Isnt there a legal statute of limitations on this sort of thing? Im pretty sure there is. That amp was with Ryan long enough for him to think it was his so he handed it over to Soda as payment for Soda helping him move twice. I was there BOTH times. All this happened over the course of me and Sodas relationship. Not long after that Soda brought the amp over to your place multiple times for “band practice” that you didnt give a shit about being a part of (I cant blame you because I didnt give a shit either) and you never said anything about having ownership of that amp but in NO TIME you had it in pieces around your house.  There isnt one time I recall you ever saying that the amp was YOURS. I remember you asking Soda how he got it..but thats far, far, FAR from explaining to him that the amp was your at the very beginning. Which would have saved me from wasting my god damn time writing this.

So, fast forward however long. Ive noticed for a good while that you dont give two shits about hanging around Soda. Im not sure why, but he was totally oblivious to it..but..im not quite as naive or maybe he just didnt WANT to notice. I didnt even bring it up to him because I know it would hurt his feelings.
A couple weeks ago..well..more like a month or so ago..he and I both came over to your house to get his bass cab that he let you borrow. He said hed come back tomorrow for the amp..and you didnt object. You waited until AFTER he left to CALL him ON THE PHONE and say “Oh, ho hum..how did that amp ever get to be yours anyway?” WHY DIDNT YOU ASK THIS ONE FUCKING YEAR AGO WHEN WE BROUGHT THE AMP OVER YOUR HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Very, very pussified way out if you ask me.

So..I did the wrong thing and assumed that you would get in touch with every mutual friend you and Soda have and draw a figurative line between you and Soda and say…”Either youre with me, or youre not.” And im    VERY fucking pissed to say that my assumptions were absolutely correct. In the past year and my very minute contact with you I have watched you go from being one of my favourite people for Soda to be around and a very positive influence, to being everything that I thought you never wanted to be. Someone who completely sold out to the “scene” and suddenly became too good for everyone but the minors who followed you to your shows and hailed your existence as if there was something to hail in the first place. Or maybe youre insanely bitter that the only band that ever promised to get anywhere no longer exists? I dont know. It was definitely after the break up of Moral Decay that I noticed this change. So im sure thats got something to do with it. But thats not anyone arounds you fault, especially not Sodas.

Im not even sure you realize that you are the way you are right now. You put up so much of a front because youve dealt with so much in life. You are the cocky smartass. The guy who ALWAYS gets one over on someone else. Youve got the best come backs and youve always got the perfect witty comeback or remark to make at someone elses expense, and its funny..you play that role perfectly but I think it hides a lot. Youve got a tough exterior but I think it stops at the exterior. And, thats where it really starts to make me less pissed off and more sad because I think youre a lot more than this.

I know that you think youve won, that youve come out on top.

Ive told Soda to let you keep the amp because if that amp really meant that you were willing to put up this much of a fight…then that pretty much sums up everything that I need to say and it really explains a lot about the person you have become, and maybe youre not willing to admit that this is who youve become..but we will see.

Keep in mind Sodas not got shit to do with this. Its all me. Im the bad guy.

I dont ever really write about TV shows I watch…at least..not that I can remember. Well..anyway..one of “my shows” is Intervention. It comes on A&E on Friday Nights at 10PMet. Lately I havent been tuning in as much and ive been catching the newest episodes on On Demand. The new season starts Friday though..and its gonna be GOOD!

Enough of all that. I cant sleep..once again..so I decided to see if there were any new episodes of Intervention on On Demand. I noticed there was a new episode that id never seen before. Episode 42: Laney. It was the story of an Alcoholic. Great. Now, usually on Intervention I am rooting for the addicts. I am on their side and I wanna see them get better. Generally..they deserve to get better, doesnt everyone?

Not this cunt.

Ive never seen such a self righteous stupid bitch on this show IN MY LIFE. I was HOPING the Trazadone she tried to overdose on killed her ass.

She accused HER MOTHER of putting Trazadone in her stupid liquor when it was ON CAMERA that she took the damn pills and this bitch straight up denied it and tried to blame it on her mother. Talk about a psycho bitch!

Ive got another real bitch fest rant coming right up…

*apparently this ho is getting me a lot of hits. keep em comin! hopefully laney will see this and kill herself.*

Ok..tonight was a night and a HALF lol.

What im about to say may make me sound psycho to some people..but…ill just state that me and my mothers relationship is damn near unparalleled in the mother/daughter world.

So..around about..8:30 or 9:00PM my mom called me to tell me she was going to bed and that I needed to e-mail my aunt and thank her for all the cool stuff she gave me, which I was meaning to do this morning before I went to bed but I was too focused on getting to sleep.

Anyhow..when I was finished emailing my aunt I decided to call my mom back and let her know that I emailed my aunt. My mom didnt answer the phone..which is strange because she ALWAYS answers my calls or calls right back. Like, immediately. Well.. I decided to call her again and prank call her..using a voice changer. I know, I know, lol. But she still didnt answer so I was like..hmm..ok. Weird. I waited for about 10 minutes and still no call back..so I called her again. No answer. I IMed my cousin and asked her to call so she did and she said there was no answer. We talked about how strange it was that my moms not answering her phone and so I just kept calling and calling. Finally I told my boyfriend that we need to drive over there and see if her cars there. I was starting to get worried.

So..we go outside..hop in the car and the car doesnt start. We are out of gas because my ignoramus boyfriend doesnt like to stop and get gas and runs it till the literal last drop. So I was like fuck it..lets walk..its just about a mile away anyway. So we got the gas can and started truckin. I told him we could knock on moms door and ask if we could use her car to drive to the gas station to get gas, lol. I was calling her the whole way there. We finally get there and I knocked on the door..no answer. I called again..no answer. I started to get really worried. I told Soda to go ahead and  take her car to the gas station and ill stay there and keep knocking. So I opened the door and it was chained shut..so through the chain I was yelling…MOMMA..MOMMA!!! And I noticed that Boog Boog (her cat) didnt even come to the door.  I walked around to the side and knocked on her sliding glass door thats in her bedroom and nothing.
By this time Soda had gotten back and he was really worried too. We wondered if we should call my aunt but if nothing was wrong I didnt want to freak her out.
So..I told Soda to knock on the front door real loud and I would knock on her sliding glass door real loud. Finally when I knocked on the sliding glass door here come Boog Boog. He just sat in the door and looked at me. I guess hed hear Soda knocking because hed turn around and look in the direction of the front door every couple seconds.

I kept saying.”Boog Boog..where is mama?” and thats when I saw the light from her cellphone floating and prancing around the room through the curtain. I yelled “MOMMA GO TO THE FRONT DOOR.” I just knew she was probably shitting herself right about then lmfao.
So..I explained the situation. Told her it started with a prank call and then we got worried. For some reason her cellphone ringer was off so she couldnt hear the calls.
She said I had called 26 times lmfao.
So..thank goodness…shes ok..and im a moron. But thats how it usually ends up hahahah.

I came home, took a nice warm bath..turned on a  super weird horror flick (cant remember the name of it now..) and Soda just made us a pizza. Life is good.

Im thinking about opening up my domain for hosting. Id just host like ..4 or 5 people. Id have to  OK it through Kelley first because she owns all the space…there are really only two people right now that I think deserve to be hosted here..and thats my friend Sarah and this chick I kinda know named Glynnis but..she blogs and her blogs are pretty good (she blogs on Myspace and we all know how I feel about Myspace). I *think* shes interested in modeling so…having your own domain to keep a portfolio of your work is never ever a bad idea. I offered it to her…lmfao..id be so excited to have hostees because..IM A DORK LIKE THAT.

Well, my birthday is in about 2 and a half days. Its on Thursday. I will be 21. Getting older is both something I enjoy and something I loathe. With each year I know that sooner than later, im going to have to really do something with my life. I guess, its not that im not doing anything with my life right now..I have a great job, a nice place to live and nice things but, my mom still helps me out A LOT. I hate burdening her. Im sure its not a real burden because I know for a fact she LOVES providing for me. She always has..but its a burden for me to feel as if I am burdening her. I often wonder if shes disappointed in me.  Ive had some major ups and downs in my life and even though I am finally ok I still have a lot of hang ups, and thankfully my mom really understands me. Shes understood me from day one and I truly believe that she believes that any progress is progress. Me being happy on a day to day basis is probably the biggest change that everyone in my life  has seen in me here recently. My mom knows that its hard for me to be “ok” and “content” and most of all “happy.” Im not using this as an excuse to be a piece of shit in life (I try real hard not to be a piece of shit in life) but, I think it has made the fact that her daughter is different a lot easier to handle and deal with.

So. Yep. I will be 21 in a few days. Twenty one years of existing. Three years ago I would have never believed that I would still be around to see 21 and now..I dont understand how I ever could have thought that hahaha. How can anyone not want to stick around to see what life throws at em? I dunno.

Well..im going to leave you guys with shots of my GORGEOUS new notebook and one picture of some dinner I made the other night (yeah..its an occasion when I make a GOOD dinner).

And the great dinner I made..the recipe was from Kelleys boyfriend, Paul and  I altered it a bit..but it was delish.

Nachos!!! Best Nachos I ever had too.

yall keep it real. lol.

So..I added my Stickam to my right side bar..see over there? Now you can watch me sit around and be bored while you sit around be bored!! Cool huh?

You can watch me..while you read my blogs. But, it would be of your best interests not to expect anything even mildly interesting. : /