I was writing an e-mail to a new e-mail buddy of mine and he said he wanted to know a bit about my life..so..I decided to talk about it. Here ya go…

Right now I live with my boyfriend. It is difficult living on our own, you know? Very different from being a kid and many times I find myself thinking about my childhood and just..yearning to be a child again in the arms of my mom. My mother and I have a SUPERB relationship. She is my BEST friend in the whole world. Shes my hero.

Now, prepare for the story of my father. Whew. Ok….this is a bit emotional for me…but I share it with people because everything that has happened in my life has played a huge role in who I am…and this includes my father. Let me begin by saying that I love my dad. There have been times in my life where I needed him very much as a father, but now that I am an adult…I need him as a friend. I miss him so much.
I lived with my mom and dad until I was about 7 years old. Maybe 8. I had a happy childhood with the looming sense that SOMETHING was wrong. Something just wasnt right in our household and my mother did an amazing job at sheltering me from the heartbreak that was going on in my house as a child.
My father was and still is an intravenous heroin addict. It breaks my heart just to write it. I want to go back and delete it over and over again but the absence of the words does nothing for the reality of the situation. When my parents were divorced, I didnt see my father for years. All the sudden I got a letter from him that said he was living in Florida with his parents. So, during the summers I would go down and visit him.
He had a new girlfriend by this time. Her name was Kay. I went down to Florida on Christmas, to spend Christmas with my father. Well, when I woke up on Christmas morning…he was gone. I figured hed be coming back soon so I just sat and listening to my cd player. A lot of hours passed and he wasnt home yet. It was dark. I got bored and decided to clean the house as a gift, when I got finished mopping the kitchen floor I sat down to get some rest and then I thought I heard his truck pull up..so I ran through the kitchen..slipped on the wet floor..and busted my head open on the side of the refrigerator. Yeah, thats kinda funny, lol. He didnt come home until about 11 or so that night.
I dunno where he was. Dont care anymore.
Well, after that he moved back to Tennessee, married another woman and I went to his house every other weekend and things seemed pretty normal. He invited me and my cousin to go on a camping trip with him, and my aunt and uncle. I could sense that things werent right with him. I am imagining now that this was the time he was in the throws of his addiction and he brought me right into the middle of it, which, I should be very angry at…but I forgive him. Well, everything was fine until we all went on a hiking trail and about..halfway through the hiking trail we turned around and my daddy was gone. We all ran around and screamed his name over and over but we couldnt find him. So we just went back to the camp site and called the police. My aunt and uncle drove us to their house where my mom came and picked us up. All I could think was that my father had let me down again.
He disappeared again after that. The next time I was to see him I was 16 years old..almost 17. I heard a knock at the front door and it was my father! And, his new girlfriend. We didnt talk about all the bad times..we never did. He just made promises that he would stick around, be a part of my life, yadda yadda. I visited him a couple times in Oklahoma. I even went over there for Christmas when I was 17.
My dad was acting..very..very strange. More strange than id EVER seen him before. Something really shady was going on. I could tell. By this time I had learned of his drug use and I sort of understood what was going on. But, once again, in the throws of his addiction..he brought me in. To most people this would seem crazy but I know he did it just because he missed me and he wanted to see his little girl.
Anyway, I had bought some hair dye at the store and wanted to dye my hair one night so I was in the bathroom dying my hair and I stepped up onto the top of the toilet to reach the cabinet and for some weird reason I picked up all the towels and I found a needle, a spoon, a lighter, and one full baggie and a few baggies with residue. I wasnt angry. I was just heart broken again. Hed broken my heart again, but thats ok. I confronted him about it and he just said he was using the needles to inject the dog with something (they didnt even have a dog). Ugh. His rage started to go above and beyond. I heard him on the phone with my mom, and my mom must have KNOWN something was going on by the way he sounded. Well, I heard my dad scream “IM GONNA DROP HER OFF AT YOUR GOD DAMNED DOORSTEP.” He was obviously talking about me, but because he screamed at my mom..that really pissed me off and I said to him “Who do you think you are? You are so fucked up on whatever dope youre pushing into your veins that you dont even realize who youre talkin to. Youre talkin to the woman who raised me ..you have nothing to do with it. You didnt raise me youve hurt me constantly.” Well, he began to throw all of my belongings in trash bags, put them in the back of his truck..took me to the airport and I flew home, heartbroken again.
Well, I gave him another chance. And, this is the most painful for me. The next Christmas I wanted to go see him again. He lived in Oklahoma so my mom was going to drive me halfway and dad would drive halfway to pick me up. So, I get there to load my things into his car..everything was fine. About 15 minutes into the trip with my dad..he started to “nod off” (fall asleep) at the wheel due to his drug use. He was high. He was swerving off the road and I got really scared and I said…”Dad if you dont pull over and get you something to wake you up..im gonna call the cops..and call mom or something because im scared” so he reached in the backseat like he was gonna hit me or something and so I opened the car door. He just..grabbed me by my neck and threw me out of the moving vehicle. I only had my cellphone and a book. Everything else I had taken…he took. My guitar, my boots, and a pillow that my deceased grandmother made me when I was a baby. It was all gone and there I was..alone..in Arkansas. I called my mom and she called the nearest police department. I started walking back to where we had come from. I walked for a few miles and a state trooper found me. Took me to the police station and my mom drove all the way back and picked me up there.

I havent seen or spoken to my father since. So, thats that I guess, huh? Lol.

Come onnnnnn 11:30. Im orderin me some food!!

Everyone knows that I have severe panic problems. Good news in that department..I am probably gonna be going to the doctor sometime this week so I can get my shit LEGALLY…;) . Anyway, lol. Yesterday I took notice of something I do compulsively ever since I had that super weird “panic attack” thing last August. I check my pulse, and Sodas pulse..constantly. I check mine every 5 minutes or so..by feeling my neck..right in the center of my collarbone, but when Soda is sleeping I noticed that I check his pulse through his wrist. Its really strange..and sort of creepy.

Anyway. I gotta get my anxiety issues under control. Bring on the benzos!

Ok. I got my washer and shit today, yall. So…im happy about that. Ive been doing laundry ALL DAY, and sleeping in between lol.

Anyway..dude..omg. I just about died laughing..and im sure no one is gonna get this but me. But..last night, I was harping at my friend Liz about signing up to mybloglog. She said she might do it, but she didnt know. I was like “its really cool you can see all sorts of stuff blah blah.” It was really lame.
Well…I come onto my site today and I notice over to the left on mybloglog that apparently grneyedhooker has been visiting my site(thats her hahhahahaha). Lmfao. I dunno, that just took me by surprise and you know how sometimes something hits you in a certain way and you think its really fuckin hilarious? Well..this did it for me.

I ordered my washer and dryer. Im SO excited. Way more excited than I should be over a washer and dryer hahaha. It should be delivered either Friday, or Saturday. So, tonight im gonna do some HARDCORE cleaning. Its a little late to be cleaning but..eh..ill be up for a long time.

I even bought a new broom, lol. Im such a geek.

Ok…quick edit..I THINK im gonna go to Wal Mart and buy an area rug for the living room here in a few. I need something new in my living room to spice it up and change it up. When I get finished cleaning im gonna take some pics..its been a long time since I posted pics of my hizouse.

I enrolled in an online certificate course called “Human Heritages : World History.” I enrolled a little while ago, bought my textbook..and my textbook came today!! Woohoo!! Im very happy about it.

So, ive set up my classes for Monday nights, Wednesday nights, and Friday nights. That way I have all day on Tuesdays and Thursdays to get my mini section assignments done, and then the weekend to get my chapter reviews done. Since the class is online, I have to turn in typed assignments but I always really preferred to write things. So, I am going to write out all my assignments and then type them. But, ill save all my written assignments for my personal notebooks.

We are currently on Unit One: Place and Time, and chapter One: Geography and History. The first couple chapters are lookin pretty boring, but at least I will be learning. The next chapter looks awesome though..”Early People!” And then Unit 2 looks really fuckin rad. I cant wait till we get to it.

But, anyways..yeah this course is costing me a lil money BUT…I will have a certificate in human history when im done. Woohoo! Go Me!!!

Tonight, I was talking to a friend of mine who has been having some struggles with depression lately. Now, most of you who know me are probably saying “uh oh!” hahaha. I suffered with depression every minute of my teenage life. I was diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder/Manic Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which turned into Panic Disorder just a little less than a year ago) at a very young age. This was something that, in time, I learned to celebrate. I know, that sounds weird, right? Well…it is a part of who I am and everything that has made me who I am is worth celebrating. Not just the good stuff, but the bad stuff too because those things taught me some extremely important lessons.
I know how hard depression can be. Chemical or situational..its very rough. I have grown much bigger than my Bipolar Disorder. This in no way means that I do not feel depressed anymore, or that I do not ever feel manic anymore. It just means that I have learned to identify my symptoms and work through them. Not everyone is this lucky.

Now, with all of that said..I do not EVER party with the pity partyers. I do not sugar coat things for them, I do not give in to their pity partying. I dont party with ‘em. I am not going to oblige them. Theres no reason to. That isnt help. They dont need someone to say “ohhh oh my gosh, I am like, sooo sorry, you poor baby.” That shit doesnt help. It makes them worse, it makes them wanna cry some more. They need a fat hit of reality, even if it sounds completely rude. It doesnt mean I dont care, it doesnt mean they cant cry on my shoulder. It just means im NOT GONNA LIE. Reality doesnt lie.

So, onto the point of my story. I was conversing with a friend of mine who has had some problems with depression recently. I think that he is also dealing with quite a bit of self pity. I was just suggesting things that could possibly make him feel better and it hit me..MASSAGE! Its called massage THERAPY for a reason. I told him “You need to go get a massage! It will make you feel soooooo much better. The power of human touch is A-MAZING!”
His response was:

heh thers only one person ill let touch me and that a significate other lmao (sic)

My response to this was “Wow. Thats really fucking stupid. No offense.” Lmfao. Dont you love it when someone says something completely offensive and then says “no offense” at the end? I am guilty as charged on that one, over, and over, and over again. Yeah, anyway…I said “Dont ever underestimate the power of human touch. Its extremely powerful. Immensely powerful. There is NO need to sexualize human contact. Human contact is essential to our mental and physical health.”
So he said”

lol i guess you can see it that way but growing up without affection, if a female puts her hand on me my heart will flutter and if a guy does he must want to get hit (sic)

My response was “Guess what? Thats part of being human.” He told me that touch is a very personal thing to him. Well, touch is a personal thing to everyone, as it should be, because it is very powerful, however, just because something is personal or even sacred…that doesnt mean that it should be reserved and hidden. Not to mention that one would think that if someone is depressed and has stated verbally that they hate the way they feel and they want to feel differently…they would be willing to try just about anything. I supplied him with a few links about the power of human touch.

He says:

well ill just keep having logic failures and wait to be touched untill i find someon (sic)
well i grew up without a father, my mom maybe hugged me twice, and my bother and sister were much younger than me, and we moved all the time. what does this have to do with anything. maybe having touch from anyone other than who i want it from feels rather alien like a guinnee pig running up your pants(sic)

Now, here is where I will discontinue the conversation between my friend and I and get into my rant. There is no reason why being touched by someone should feel alien. Now, I realize that there could be trauma in many peoples lives that changes the way they feel about being touched and this is not what im talking about. That is a whole different situation that you wont find me discussing here.
In our “advanced” Western society, it feels alien to us to be touched by another human being that is not someone we are fucking. This simply is not the way things should be. We have forgotten about one another. We have forgotten how important it is to just hug each other once in a while. In a society that is so technologically advanced, we have abandoned ourselves spiritually. We have been left to fend for ourselves alone in this world, without the aid of our brothers and sisters because we have sexualized the human body and human touch so much that it has become taboo to embrace someone when they desperately need it. If two men hug, they are “gay” (as if being gay is some horribly negative thing). If two women hug, all the sudden they are lesbians who were only put upon this Earth as sexual objects of perverted 40+ year old mens desire. Its absolutely devastating that we have been so thoroughly brainwashed into abandoning each other. There are societies that have existed upon this earth for centuries that have entire medicinal arts based solely upon touch and the energy that is passed between two humans when they touch. There are martial arts based completely on the energy that flows throughout everything in our universe, including our own bodies.

The benefits of human touch are not only hailed in “alternative” Eastern medicinal practices, but in our own Western medicine as well.

I hate that our society has put such sexualized stigmas and taboos on touching each other. The positive energy passed between two human beings when they exchange touch is so powerful, it is love and I think that it is painfully obvious that our world needs as much love as possible right now. Hug someone today. Hug someone that you normally would not hug, I can PROMISE you that it will not only make your day, but it will make theirs too!

If you guys would like to learn more about how essential touch is, check out the following links:
Pleasure/Power
WebMB Power of human touch.
Reiki using human touch

^_^

I am going to get my hair cut on Saturday. Im not gonna tell you guys how im gonna get it cut either wahahahaha. You will just have to wait and see, but, yes, it is confirmed..HAIR CUT TIME!