Just a quick update.

Today is my birthday!! Woohoo!!!!!!

I got Charlie! I already love him. Hes sooo sweet and only wants to hang around me all the time. Seems like he already knows who his mommy is. There will definitely be pictures soon! <333 Charlie. Love him.

I talked to someone today about a Boston Terrier puppy and he said he would hold him for me until Saturday, which is my birthday. I REALLY hope he holds him for me, I am just crossing my fingers and really, really praying. You can see him in my flickr up there…..
He will be my Charlie, unless I think up a different name for him. I will update you on that one..haha.

Ive decided to get a puppy!!! Im going to get a Boston Terrier and his name will be Charlie. I hope that I can get him in two weeks. Pray for me, pray that I get the sweet little puppy that I want!!!

*Note…there isnt a puppy named Charlie in particular that I am getting…I just want a Boston and when I get one ill name him Charlie

Alright. Quick background info real quick.

My dad was married once before he married my mother. That marriage resulted in a daughter, Kate, who is 28 years old. When I was about 7 or so, maybe younger, Kates mother dropped Kate off on our doorstep..literally, and expected my father to take care of her after years and years of her mother not even letting my father speak to her. I guess her mother had gotten sick of her or some shit, I dont know.

Well, needless to say her living with us didnt last long. She went back to her moms within a few months and I didnt speak to her again until I was like 14 years old. She briefly came around to visit me and my father and then as quick as she came..she left once again.

So…about two months ago or something like that..I dunno, two or three months ago..I found her on Myspace and I added her as my friend. We sent a few messages back and forth and then she stopped messaging me and I didnt send her any messages. At the time I was doing heroin everyday and frankly, heroin was a lot more important than trying to keep in touch with her. That is my fault. I should have kept in better touch.

HOWEVER…today, I sign onto Myspace and shes sent me the following message:
“Question….how come you would find me, add me, and then disappear?”

I just told her that I had been dealing with a lot and I apologize if she thinks I have disappeared but I was in the same place all along and could have easily been reached the same way she had just reached me.
But, I WANTED to say:
Look, bitch, you are one to talk about disappearing when you fucking “disappeared” two times in my life. We talked on myspace and if you really gave two fucking shits you could have sent me more than the two messages you initially sent me. Theres no way I could have “disappeared” when we were only talking on MYSPACE and you could send me messages any fucking time you wanted to and I would have gladly replied. Sure, I dont get on myspace as much as I used to..but I would get the god damn messages and I would reply. Not to mention..hmm, lets see…
I am a heroin addict and I got busted a month ago in an undercover sting operation so I am currently dealing with the legal repercussions from that all while trying to get treatment for my heroin addiction and not go back to using illegally.

But thats none of her god damn business.
FUCK her.

I havent blogged in a minute. My life has changed…quite a bite and I am still honestly not that used to the adjustment and sometimes it catches up to me and its like..the best way to describe it…is that I am in a constant state of inertia.

I tried to give Soda another chance. Immediately I noticed some of my medicine (I take Klonopin) was gone.
But, even more immediately than that, I noticed that it was not the heroin..the heroin wasnt the reason I left him. I left him….because there wasnt anything there between me and him. He loved me, endlessly. But, I didnt love him endlessly. Which does break my heart. I hate that I dont love him the way he loves me. But, I just cant stay with him to make myself happy. I cannot stay with him…in mediocrity…in the misery equation..just to make someone else happy. Thats not good FOR ME and regardless of what anyone, anyone, anyone says….YOU should come before everyone else in your life. Life is very very hard sometimes but I dont believe that God (however you believe in it) puts anything on us we cant handle. No matter how painful.

Well, I havent been writing much because Kelley gave me one of my Christmas gifts early and it was The Sims 2 Deluxe Edition! Im pretty much addicted to this game and I spend hours downloading stuff for it and even more hours playing it. Right now im thinking about starting my own neighborhood with all of my custom chars in it. That will be cool.

Anyway, Soda leaves tomorrow. At about 6AM to go to his grandmothers house. I dont know how I feel about it. Generally I am pretty cool with it and I enjoy my alone time but I feel sad this year for some reason. Like, I dont know what im gonna do without him. I have to get things on my own, work on my own, be alone all day everyday. I dont know if ill be able to handle it..so..im trying to find some Xanax lmao. I want a whole bunch. Ill probably take one every single day while hes gone just to pacify myself and keep away the anxiety that I get when he isnt around. I do get separation anxiety when I am away from him. Not anything that is connected to attachment issues but I feel like hes been my security blanket now for so long and I feel at ease and comfortable as long as hes around and when hes gone its like..I dont know what to do with myself. Im used to having someone around to talk to, etc. I dunno. Hard to explain. I can just imagine when 7AM rolls around and I realize hes gone for a while. The sinking feeling in my stomach and the dread. I will be ok though. Ill pick up blogging again and that will make me feel better.

So, today is Thanksgiving so I thought I would write an entry about what I am Thankful for this year.

I have a lot of things to be Thankful for this year.
My aunt is doing well. For a while there I was very afraid that I could lose her and that another person in my very small family would pass away, breaking a very tight tie that binds us all. But, she was stronger than we all thought she would be and she fought her disease with positivity and laughter. She surprised us all, I think. I am proud of her and my uncle, and their son, my cousin. For being strong enough to deal with everything the way they have. I love you guys and I am very thankful for you.

My mom. What can I say? She is my rock. My shelter. My best friend. I am thankful that not only is she my very best friend, but I am lucky enough to have her as a mother as well. She has made so many sacrifices in her life for me. She raised me the way a good mother is supposed to raise a little girl and throughout all my life it was just us. Me and my mama, ive never needed anything else. And, I still dont need anything else. I love my mother more than anything in this whole wide world, she is my life and without her…I would be nothing.

Kelley. My best friend and cousin. I am thankful that she has turned out to be the strongest woman I know, next to my mother.  Throughout all the trials and tribulations in her life she always comes out of them with a new lesson, and a new strength. She is a survivor and I am very proud of the strong woman she has become.

Soda. We have come so far in the past two years. The way we have changed and molded to each others needs makes me so happy inside. We went from something very very bad, to something very beautiful. You love me, you respect me, I love you and I respect you. We live our lives together. Every dream I have, you are there with me. Every fantasy, you are there with me. You are my BEST friend, my lover, my partner…youre my everything! I am thankful for you…and I love you.