I went to bed at about 9:30pm last night. So…I woke up at about, I dunno…2:00am. Sucky, suck, suck. I woke up because my leg is KILLING me.
Ive gotten these weird leg pains ever since I was a little girl. Im sure Kelley remembers them. It hurts so bad, and I hate taking ibuprofen and shit (ironic, eh?) so I generally just sit around and let the pain get worse. So its been a few hours now, and the pain is completely fucking unbearable…so I am about to break down and go to the bathroom and get some ibuprofen. Its right around the knee area and if I let it keep going..it will travel down to my ankle.

Today at walmart i bought a bunch of magazines. So, ive been reading them and I caught the season finale of Queen Bees…lol..this show ive been into on “The N.” I also cleaned my bedroom today which im really happy about. My bed is nice and clean…I love it!!! I do need some new curtains for in here though because I dont have any and im sure the neighbors can see right in.

Blah blah…anyway…im gonna go get that ibuprofen and keep reading my mags and surfing the net.

One of the categories I put this post in was “late night” and, its not really that late. Just 12:15 or so….but I am pretty tired so that could qualify as “late.”

You know, I havent been doing ANYTHING lately. Its not that I cant think of anything to do…its just that I really, really, really have preferred staying home and I dont want to leave my home. I love my home and the comfort it provides and I would rather be here than anywhere. I am not depressed or anything like that, I actually feel good staying here. But, maybe I should start trying to go out anyways. I dont feel bad, but maybe if I went out I would feel even better. Who knows.
My counselor said that this is very common in people who are quitting or have quit using. I dont really know..haha. This is pretty much just another rambling post.

Ive been playing The Sims again. It seems like whenever I get to playing The Sims, I neglect everything else I should be doing like blogging. Hence the reason I havent blogged in a while.

But, seriously, I am getting really tired and once again I wish this post could have actually been about something, I hate that it was a waste of your time…lol…actually I dont give a shit if it was a waste of your time…::rasberries::.

Im gonna go to bed!

Oh YEAH! Before I go…a year or so ago, maybe more, I did a broadcast on NowLive called NineUnknownMen. Well, I am starting it back up again. Check out nineunknownmen.net.

Today is New Years Eve. In 24 hours, it will be 2008. A lot has gone on in this world this year. I cant imagine that 2008 will be any better of a year for our dying world. People will continue to be ignorant, people will continue to ignore, and people will continue to go through life completely tuned out.

Hopi prophecy says that there are two paths in life. The path of the spirit, and the other path. Humanity has been on “the other path” for some time now. We are currently at the crossroads where we realize we have a choice, and if we continue on “the other path” there will be a great purification period. The Earth will purify itself from that which is making it ill: humanity.

Humans have successfully learned how to “tune out.” We ignore everything. It is easier to NOT think. It is easier to NOT ask questions and to believe blindly in everything our television tells us to believe. Its much easier to live life without striving to learn the truths about our origins, the truths about who we are, and the truth about the power that we as human beings naturally have within ourselves. The power to be, and the power to effect change in such a way that no one has ever seen before. Yet, very few of us know how to use that power because we have been subliminally programmed to hand off all of our personal power to a number of things like mythical beings and political or religious figures, or even people we see on TV. We give them credit for OUR power and effectively hand ourselves over  to them. We stand for nothing so we fall for everything.

I can only hope that 2008 is the year that we free our minds and release ourself from the mental prison that American mass media, government and religion have trapped us in for centuries. A prison where we have become completely desensitized to war, genocide, destruction and death. A prison that has turned us from the spiritually enlightened beings we once were, into mechanical machines that are programmed to never process the information around us. To drone on and on with the daily activities that will mean nothing when we are dead. Mechanical Machines that are programmed not to ask questions and not to seek answers. No substance.
I can only hope, but something tells me that things will only be getting worse. We will only get more ignorant and we will only ignore our surroundings more until we are completely desensitized by everything including what is on our very doorstep.

This year I will focus on maintaining optimal health and continuing on my road to personal enlightenment. I hope that my mind remains free from limitations and boundaries and I am only able to learn more, no matter how crazy it makes me.

Surprisingly, I am getting more and more excited about Christmas. This is something I am not used to. I dont really remember being excited about Christmas, I mean REALLY excited, since I was a kid. My good Christmas’s outweigh the bad ones, however, the bad ones are just SO bad that underneath any feelings of joy, lied some very negative emotions, fear, hurt, anger..buried very deep. Well, this Christmas feels different. It feels good.

Soda and I have not been able to spend any Christmas’s together since we have been together. This is because every year he goes up North to Minnesota to visit his grandmother. This isnt something that bothers me too much because his grandmother has been the only constant in his life besides me. The only other person that he feels has really cared about him. Me and his grandmother. Shes getting older..well..shes getting way up there. I believe shes about 85 now and things arent going so well for her. Her mind is great but her body is dying on her and she refuses to believe it. So, with that said, I think it is extremely important that he goes up there and spends as much time with her as possible before fate decides to take her away from this physical reality we exist in now.

So I have spent Christmas alone for the past three years. Not technically alone. On Christmas Eve (generally, sometimes its on Christmas day) my cousin Kelley, and my mom usually have our Christmas and open the presents from one another and then we have Christmas dinner over at our aunt Karens house with our uncle Nelson and our cousin Tyler. But, its Christmas even night and Christmas night that I spend alone.

I have alway loved the “scents” of Christmas. You know, the fresh Pine scent. I always buy a ton of those candles and at least two bottles of the air freshener, haha. I love it. I also love Christmas trees and Christmas lights. Last year, I was living in a very small apartment and had NO room for a tree, so I just had this little teenie tiny mini tree that was pre decorated and about one foot tall, haha. It was good enough. This year, im going to get a three or four foot tree with lights and decorations and everything.

On Christmas Eve night I plan on lighting my pine candles, spraying some pine scent in the air, turning the house lights down and the Christmas Tree lights up, curling up on my couch with my special blanket and watching a movie and surfing the net, with all the presents under the tree…alone. Dont feel sorry for me because I just described a near perfect evening. The only thing missing is Soda, but as we all know, distance makes the heart grow fonder and even though I miss him dearly during Christmas..for the past three years it has been some time for me to sit back and reflect on life, and the way life has turned out. And, I have enjoyed it. However, I REALLY cant wait until he can join me on the couch with the pine scent in the air, the house lights turned down and the Christmas Tree lights turned up, us both curled underneath my special blanket, just watching a movie and enjoying each other with all of the presents under the tree.

Tonight Soda and I bought our first Christmas decoration as a couple. A small 99cent snow globe that, in my humble opinion, is irresistibly cute.  Sometime next week we will buy our first tree and our very first tree ornament as a couple. I know that to a lot of people this sounds really lame..but to me…..it sounds like home.

I wrote about my panic attack when it happened..I guess it was a little over a month ago now. The doctor once again put me on medications that I dont necessarily want to be on. I am very much against SSRI’s (anti depressants) and I refuse to take them. They also gave me Benzos which are miracle cures for anxiety but I also do not want to be reliant on a narcotic, even in situations where I am having a panic attack and I need it to STOP.

So, tonight a friend of mine and I were talking about natural medicines, she told me that shes going to start taking something for depression or whatever and it got me to wondering if there are any natural medications for anxiety. Now, I knew of Valerian root and how it was compared to Valium. I have taken Valerian root before but its been so long I cant remember the effects. After some studying, ive decided to pick some up tomorrow and start taking it daily to see if it aids my anxiety. Hopefully it will. Ive got a lot of hope for natural remedies, I think they are the way to go.

Ill be tracking my progress.

(Jesus Christmas.)

I wonder how God could have created such a beautiful man. Just to tease us ladies because we know we will never have a chance with him..in the meantime..

Johnny is giving it hard to this…very below average looking woman from the behind.

by the way im hotlinking those pictures so..they may not be here tomorrow.

I cant stop thinking about someone ..I cant stop thinking about someone…AND ITS DRIVING ME INSANE. I feel like im betraying or something. I dont know. I havent figured out if im gonna write about this or not…probably not..

I need to go to sleep.  I really have to go to the doctors at 7AM and im still up looking at peoples myspaces and being an emotional whore. I should be damned to hell for all eternity..ok..not really..it aint that serious. Im delirious, and apparently im a rapper now too.

Ok, im finished.

Im so frustrated right now. I am really fed up with hearing about this bullshit so im going to take a tip from Tori Spellings mom and write a FUCKING OPEN LETTER.

Dan,
Regarding this god damned amp. Listen and listen fucking close.
Damn near three years ago when Soda and I got together WE helped Ryan move out of Knollwood. I was there. Yup. I was there. So was that amp. You were gone long before that and my main question is..if that amp was so fucking important..why the hell didnt you come back and get it? It was sitting in that apartment without you long enough for the lease to run out with just Ryan there. It doesnt matter if you paid the rent every month, that is a moot, sad, pathetic fucking point. When we helped him move out of Knollwood WE (read, SODA AND I) helped him move into Rock Harbor. That amp was also at Rock Harbor for a good MONTH before Ryan handed it over to Soda. So, one again, my question is…why the FUCK didnt you contact Ryan about this stupid amp? You had weeks, months to do this and yet you didnt. Isnt there a legal statute of limitations on this sort of thing? Im pretty sure there is. That amp was with Ryan long enough for him to think it was his so he handed it over to Soda as payment for Soda helping him move twice. I was there BOTH times. All this happened over the course of me and Sodas relationship. Not long after that Soda brought the amp over to your place multiple times for “band practice” that you didnt give a shit about being a part of (I cant blame you because I didnt give a shit either) and you never said anything about having ownership of that amp but in NO TIME you had it in pieces around your house.  There isnt one time I recall you ever saying that the amp was YOURS. I remember you asking Soda how he got it..but thats far, far, FAR from explaining to him that the amp was your at the very beginning. Which would have saved me from wasting my god damn time writing this.

So, fast forward however long. Ive noticed for a good while that you dont give two shits about hanging around Soda. Im not sure why, but he was totally oblivious to it..but..im not quite as naive or maybe he just didnt WANT to notice. I didnt even bring it up to him because I know it would hurt his feelings.
A couple weeks ago..well..more like a month or so ago..he and I both came over to your house to get his bass cab that he let you borrow. He said hed come back tomorrow for the amp..and you didnt object. You waited until AFTER he left to CALL him ON THE PHONE and say “Oh, ho hum..how did that amp ever get to be yours anyway?” WHY DIDNT YOU ASK THIS ONE FUCKING YEAR AGO WHEN WE BROUGHT THE AMP OVER YOUR HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Very, very pussified way out if you ask me.

So..I did the wrong thing and assumed that you would get in touch with every mutual friend you and Soda have and draw a figurative line between you and Soda and say…”Either youre with me, or youre not.” And im    VERY fucking pissed to say that my assumptions were absolutely correct. In the past year and my very minute contact with you I have watched you go from being one of my favourite people for Soda to be around and a very positive influence, to being everything that I thought you never wanted to be. Someone who completely sold out to the “scene” and suddenly became too good for everyone but the minors who followed you to your shows and hailed your existence as if there was something to hail in the first place. Or maybe youre insanely bitter that the only band that ever promised to get anywhere no longer exists? I dont know. It was definitely after the break up of Moral Decay that I noticed this change. So im sure thats got something to do with it. But thats not anyone arounds you fault, especially not Sodas.

Im not even sure you realize that you are the way you are right now. You put up so much of a front because youve dealt with so much in life. You are the cocky smartass. The guy who ALWAYS gets one over on someone else. Youve got the best come backs and youve always got the perfect witty comeback or remark to make at someone elses expense, and its funny..you play that role perfectly but I think it hides a lot. Youve got a tough exterior but I think it stops at the exterior. And, thats where it really starts to make me less pissed off and more sad because I think youre a lot more than this.

I know that you think youve won, that youve come out on top.

Ive told Soda to let you keep the amp because if that amp really meant that you were willing to put up this much of a fight…then that pretty much sums up everything that I need to say and it really explains a lot about the person you have become, and maybe youre not willing to admit that this is who youve become..but we will see.

Keep in mind Sodas not got shit to do with this. Its all me. Im the bad guy.

I dont ever really write about TV shows I watch…at least..not that I can remember. Well..anyway..one of “my shows” is Intervention. It comes on A&E on Friday Nights at 10PMet. Lately I havent been tuning in as much and ive been catching the newest episodes on On Demand. The new season starts Friday though..and its gonna be GOOD!

Enough of all that. I cant sleep..once again..so I decided to see if there were any new episodes of Intervention on On Demand. I noticed there was a new episode that id never seen before. Episode 42: Laney. It was the story of an Alcoholic. Great. Now, usually on Intervention I am rooting for the addicts. I am on their side and I wanna see them get better. Generally..they deserve to get better, doesnt everyone?

Not this cunt.

Ive never seen such a self righteous stupid bitch on this show IN MY LIFE. I was HOPING the Trazadone she tried to overdose on killed her ass.

She accused HER MOTHER of putting Trazadone in her stupid liquor when it was ON CAMERA that she took the damn pills and this bitch straight up denied it and tried to blame it on her mother. Talk about a psycho bitch!

Ive got another real bitch fest rant coming right up…

*apparently this ho is getting me a lot of hits. keep em comin! hopefully laney will see this and kill herself.*

Ok..tonight was a night and a HALF lol.

What im about to say may make me sound psycho to some people..but…ill just state that me and my mothers relationship is damn near unparalleled in the mother/daughter world.

So..around about..8:30 or 9:00PM my mom called me to tell me she was going to bed and that I needed to e-mail my aunt and thank her for all the cool stuff she gave me, which I was meaning to do this morning before I went to bed but I was too focused on getting to sleep.

Anyhow..when I was finished emailing my aunt I decided to call my mom back and let her know that I emailed my aunt. My mom didnt answer the phone..which is strange because she ALWAYS answers my calls or calls right back. Like, immediately. Well.. I decided to call her again and prank call her..using a voice changer. I know, I know, lol. But she still didnt answer so I was like..hmm..ok. Weird. I waited for about 10 minutes and still no call back..so I called her again. No answer. I IMed my cousin and asked her to call so she did and she said there was no answer. We talked about how strange it was that my moms not answering her phone and so I just kept calling and calling. Finally I told my boyfriend that we need to drive over there and see if her cars there. I was starting to get worried.

So..we go outside..hop in the car and the car doesnt start. We are out of gas because my ignoramus boyfriend doesnt like to stop and get gas and runs it till the literal last drop. So I was like fuck it..lets walk..its just about a mile away anyway. So we got the gas can and started truckin. I told him we could knock on moms door and ask if we could use her car to drive to the gas station to get gas, lol. I was calling her the whole way there. We finally get there and I knocked on the door..no answer. I called again..no answer. I started to get really worried. I told Soda to go ahead and  take her car to the gas station and ill stay there and keep knocking. So I opened the door and it was chained shut..so through the chain I was yelling…MOMMA..MOMMA!!! And I noticed that Boog Boog (her cat) didnt even come to the door.  I walked around to the side and knocked on her sliding glass door thats in her bedroom and nothing.
By this time Soda had gotten back and he was really worried too. We wondered if we should call my aunt but if nothing was wrong I didnt want to freak her out.
So..I told Soda to knock on the front door real loud and I would knock on her sliding glass door real loud. Finally when I knocked on the sliding glass door here come Boog Boog. He just sat in the door and looked at me. I guess hed hear Soda knocking because hed turn around and look in the direction of the front door every couple seconds.

I kept saying.”Boog Boog..where is mama?” and thats when I saw the light from her cellphone floating and prancing around the room through the curtain. I yelled “MOMMA GO TO THE FRONT DOOR.” I just knew she was probably shitting herself right about then lmfao.
So..I explained the situation. Told her it started with a prank call and then we got worried. For some reason her cellphone ringer was off so she couldnt hear the calls.
She said I had called 26 times lmfao.
So..thank goodness…shes ok..and im a moron. But thats how it usually ends up hahahah.

I came home, took a nice warm bath..turned on a  super weird horror flick (cant remember the name of it now..) and Soda just made us a pizza. Life is good.